I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
