I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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