Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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