so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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