I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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