I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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