I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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