I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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