her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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