hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
