hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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