If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
