She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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