dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
In other news, I just burned my penis
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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