It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
