after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
