I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
