he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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