I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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