I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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