I just pynch a tree in the face
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
