wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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