And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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