I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize