I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
