One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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