Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
