Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
