My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
