drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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