Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
