so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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