Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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