i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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