I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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