The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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