Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
