My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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