you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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