Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
