I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
