This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
