This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
