K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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