i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
should my penis look like a turkey
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
