You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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