I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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