yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My cat gives me a boner
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
