i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
