We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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