He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
