A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
