I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
