my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
