My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize