I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
