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the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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