Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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