Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
