Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
