dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
